Ever look at certain qualities or aspects of yourself and start to wonder about them?

I have spent years now examining every single little detail of myself and wondering a lot about it… and then wondering if that makes me a self absorbed narcissistic or someone who is concerned about how they act and want to be better…. and wondering again how self absorbed that makes them.

I decided maybe it’s time to jot these thoughts down. Either it will help me better to understand myself or let the thought find their way out of my head… either scenario would be a win.

Here are some things I have observed about myself.

The overarching theme is I struggle with my thoughts and feelings. It seems that for every thought or feeling I have… I also seem to have a conflicting thought or feeling. Maybe I’m wish washy… maybe I can simple see all sides of things… maybe I’m too hard on myself. The other day I concluded that I must have forces of good and forces of evil competed against each other. Picture the cartoon with an angle on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Maybe I’ve been told my feelings are wrong so many times in my life I have become completely unsure of myself…or possibly trained to immediately believe whatever I am feeling actually means the opposite.

I eat food weird. I don’t normally eat the part of the food I was holding. I have done this for years. My mom pointed out one day noticing I always throw away the part of the bagel that I was holding.

Reusable straws are never clean enough and I will rewash it at least 50% of the time.

I started writing this and it felt heavy. So naturally I wanted to ditch it…instead I decided to roll with it but add in a little nonsense to lighten it a bit.

I never know what to make of how I’m feeling when it comes to my items wants and needs. If I feel like maybe my spouse isn’t helping enough or a friend isn’t hearing my bid for emotional support and wish they would I am immediately met with the opposing view… coming from myself. If I feel my spouse should be done XYZ instead of ABC I then think shame on you they need to do ABC instead of your XYZ…maybe if you managed your life better you wouldn’t need them to help you with stuff…and maybe you’d get to do what you wanted too. If I feel my friends aren’t hearing my bid I tell myself it’s for the best and you’ve dumped enough. Your life has been a series of crises and maybe they have had enough. Be happy they still talk to you. They have their own problems you know… you’re only happy to always listen for the momentary distraction from your own mess… even though you’re pretty sure you are just always happy to listen… but you welcome the distraction. Don’t directly ask either… you’ve dumped enough.

If I feel like someone has hurt my feelings I struggle with getting justified in my hurt. I will feel mad or sad or maybe both… then think how wrong it was…but end up deciding that I probably deserved it or was the cause of it happening.

No matter how much ” proof” I have that I’m right… I’m pretty sure I’m still wrong.

Car AC…. I’ve been driving for 20 years now… and I still can’t figure out how to make my car a comfortable temperature.

Oh…and fog…I still have not perfected getting my windshield to not be foggy… does anyone actually know how???

I don’t know how to do my hair except for like a handful of styles..and I’m 36. I almost asked my Dr the other day how she did her braid…then decided that was probably not appropriate.

Sometimes I’m convinced I have two different personalities. I don’t follow astrology… I think it’s interesting but the internet has convinced me it’s bad… maybe I should stay offline… but my sign is a Gemini so maybe that’s why? I am either submissive sweet and happy to be what others want…. or I’m fiesty and rebellious. I think the fiesty side is my stronger version… it takes a lot of effort to suppress and calm it.

I’m a natural reddish brunette who has more silver sparkles than I care to admit…and I’m torn on letting it go or trying out some different things before I die. I have always wanted to go full blonde or maybe add a streak of purple or maybe even going back to fire red like I was when I was younger. I also don’t want to stand out right now. As somone who is far heavier than I want to be right now it’s more tempting to blend in and not stand out.

I give great advice… and follow none of it myself.

I still don’t think the 90s was that long ago.

I’m almost 40 and still not sure I like the texture of cottage cheese.

I’m so proud of watching my children grow. I’m also terrified of what’s going to happen when they no longer need me. It’s all I’ve known for the past 17 years.

I change words in my sentence if I don’t know how to spell it… although I’ve learned Google can be very helpful with this.

That’s all for now.