I am already hopeful. This was the first time the day came to do something and I didn’t regret it.

I have for years made my coffee as soon as my feet got the kitchen floor.

Today I got kids up, ready, and out the door first. I waited one hour. Which might not sound like much to misty people but I am trying to change my habits so that nothing has any hold on me.

I have not taken my measurements today. I probably should have before eating but my end of day goal is to take them. Worst case I do it tomorrow. I’m not going to make myself crazy.

So here it is… here’s my weight.

Today when I weighed myself I weighed 254 on the dot. Sigh. That number makes me cringe.

Now before I explain anymore I need to say this. I’ve never been ” little”. At 200 pounds a few years ago I felt good…and besides some belly weight I didn’t look really heavy.

When I was thin I was still around 160. I remember this so vividly because of a conversation I had with a very lovely man who told me he didn’t like to date fat girls…you know anything over 150… and me being who I was at the time called him on it.. saying I didn’t realize I was fat and told him my weight.

When I was in my early 20 right after I had my first baby I was still thin. When he was a little over a year I tried a hormonal birth control IUD and gained weight. I also worked at a lab and was sick for 9 months with respiratory infections… fortunately they went away when I left the job but I spent months on medications. I was so so stressed every day all day. While I’ll never know the exact cause…. I’m going to guess it was a combination of factors.

I’ll never forget the day I stepped in the scale and saw I had entered into the 2’s… I was horrified.

Thats where I’ve stayed for a decade.

I hit 199 briefly in 2020 before my health took a bad turn. I gained an unexpected 10 pounds. Had surgery and left the hospital 10 pounds heavier… then while on my liquid diet gained another 10.

I didn’t know what to do.

I hit my heaviest at around 247 during the end of summer of 2021. I learned I was pregnant shortly after. I ended the pregnancy less than I began and shortly after delivery was 228 .

Over the summer my weight Balloned. We moved across the country. I have been stressed and sick. My weight came on so fast I didn’t know what was happening. I remember when I got back to my heaviest I wanted to cry…. Then I pasted it… and pasted it some more.

After Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant again.

In December I had a miscarriage. The day I went to the emergency room I was 263.5 and the morning I went in for surgery I was 259.9.

On my own lost some weight over the last 6ish weeks. I’m not really sure why.

I do want to stress…. Weight loss isn’t the number 1 goal here. Yes absolutely I want and need to… but I would accept looking like I do right now if I felt amazing…. But I don’t. I hurt.. physically and mentally.

I’m not sure if I will weigh myself daily or weekly. Probably daily since when the sugar cravings hit I’ll want some conformation it’s helping.

My measurements….. no clue. Probably once a week at best. Not because I don’t care but because life is busy.

Today it’s gone ok. I had my coffee as planned…but otherwise I’ve stuck to it. The day is far from over. I’m letting myself have as much flavored seltzer as I want for flavor and to actually stay hydrated.

I have to run my kids to appointments and my husband is traveling for work so tonight could be messy. But so far so good…. I hope to finish the day strong.

💜💜💜