I struggle in the quiet. As a mother of four children you would think that quiet would be a sought after prize. While it is true that I do sometimes say I could just use some quiet, deep down I don’t really mean it.

I hate the quiet. The quiet makes my brain light up like a Christmas tree. My thoughts start to go wild and I desperate want to quiet them.

Life had been challenging these days. My whole world has changed , and every time I feel like I am starting to regain my balance I am thrown again. In the quiet I get lost in thoughts and fears about the next time the Earth will shake on me and my loved ones. Will we survive the next time?

We are still in the middle of a pandemic. Where I live my county has had more cases than some entire states. Safe is a feeling that is missing all too often these days. Every sneeze, slight fever, cough triggers an instant feeling of panic that I smile through to not alarm the ones that I am caring for. The quiet reminds me how scary this is. The constant thoughts of will we be able to stay safe, will life ever be normal again, what will be the emotional toll?

I used to use business as a way to calm my chaotic mind. Running from here to there to try to ensure that my children enjoyed themselves. To try to make sure that even on my bad days they had a good time. Meeting friends at the park or indoor play center gave me the connection I so needed with others. In the quiet I think about how much I miss my friends and the places we used to visit. The familiar routine and connection to others. In the quiet I worry for my friends and worry for the places we used to visit. Will it ever be the same again?

I have had a huge hole that I have not been able to fill and some days it still eats me alive. My marriage is suffering. Is it the pandemic and added stress or has the extra time together shown a light on things that we ignored for years. In the quiet I wonder how this will turn out, how I will be able to go on if everything crashes down again.

The quiet is deafening. I am losing so many precious moments due to needing to drown out my own thoughts. Even as I write this I needed to put on music to cover up the quiet. I find myself desperate for more meaningful connection with those around me and myself, and I worry about all the time I will never get back. My saving grace is my children love music as much as I do so they think nothing of the fact that lately I am always turning it on.

The quiet should be my santuary from the storm, a place for reflection and peace. The quiet is where my worst fears seem to turn into reality in my mind. I hope and pray that someday I will be able to once again make peace with the quiet. I am tired of running.