What has my trauma done?

My trauma has touched literally every part of my life. It has touched my self esteem, my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, every day actions. It leaves me constantly questioning, am I a good enough mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend, you name it. It has caused me at times to behave in was that are the opposite of my belief system. I have sought out those good feelings in every place imaginable, and not all of them good.

My self worth is probably the area that has been hit the hardest. I have walked around feeling like I have a target on my back, a kick me sign. I have always wondered what am I doing wrong. Friends would come and go. When I was a teenager I always needed a boyfriend to feel like I was worthy. I would confide in people to only have them prey on me later. Sometimes it felt like they were wolves who followed me around because they could smell the blood from a fresh wound.

I am one of those people who , while try not to, feel jealous when you see people talk about life long friends.  I am still friendly with people I grew up with, but by friendly I mean chat sometimes on social media, and by chat I typically mean commenting on each others posts. I cannot remember the last time I saw 90% of them.

It has taken me until 32 years old to finally put myself out there. It was because we were the mothers of kids who were friends. Even now though the old scars start to itch whenever I want to open up. I have a habit of opening up a little, then withdrawing back to a place that seems safe. I am afraid if anyone actually knew me, not the version of me that they see at the playground they would walk away. I still feel like damaged goods. When I decide to be brave and vulnerable, I literally always pray that they will stay.

I am 32 years old trying to figure out my worth. Unfortunately because I still have little self worth I rely on others to determine that for me, which seems to always be a recipe for failure.

My trauma will always be with me. It is an emotional battle scar.

It has however given me a unique perspective on life, one that I may not have otherwise. One that allows me to look at people with more compassion because I am living proof that you really never know what someone is going through unless they let you in.

Because I have been

The girl seeking out attention because she really just wants to feel loved.

The girl judging others because deep down she was insecure

The girl who was into stuff because it made her feel a false sense of worth

The girl who smiled but felt like she was dying inside

The girl who was afraid to tell

The girl who always felt alone

The girl who pretended she didn’t care about what anyone thought while being desperate for approval

I have been the girl who so many times. I am now the 32 year old who fights these things every day.

But because of the girl who, because of my own trauma, I can be the girl who has compassion for others, even people who make what appear to be making terrible choices. The girl who has given me the ability to look at almost anyone and wonder why. Why did you do what you did? What lead you to this point? What happened to you? I truly believe so much of the evil in the world comes from people who are hurt, feel unloved, people who are broken.

My trauma in some ways may be one of the best things that could have ever happened to my children. While my trauma has broken me down, it has also fiercely empowered me to not allow this for my children. It has given me the strength to say no more, it ends here. I am in no way a perfect mother, I pray every night that the next day I’ll do better. I am however willing to protect my children and at any cost. And I think they know that. I pray that the cycle of trauma creating behavior that causes more trauma has broken. Only time will tell.

My trauma will be with me my entire life. It has caused some very dark days. It has also shown me that the sun always follows the storm, and that beautiful things can come out of absolute ruin. Every day is a new chance to get it right, to build a better life. That while it has shaped me, I am now in control, and it is my responsibility to heal and reshape myself. It is my responsibility to help prevent it for others and to help others heal. For that, I am thankful to my trauma, for my pain can hopefully be a gift to others.