My Dear I should have known. I should have known before you even came into existence I was going to have to fight for you.

There is a 7 year gap between you and your older brother. I took me that long to convince your father he wanted more children. He was a one and done kind of guy.

My pregnancy with you was my hardest. I found out about you while waiting for a CT after a work injury. I’m still so glad that nurse insisted I take a pregnancy test even though I was only one day late. I had bleeding with you that made me fear a miscarriage. Then when I thought we were in the clear at 26 weeks all the sudden preterm labor became something I would fight until you came at 38 weeks. You would have thought it would have been easy seeing how you almost showed up so early, but you required hours and hours of pitocin. You demonstrated to me even then that you would do what you wanted when you wanted.

You were my most opinionated baby by far. I knew at 1 day old you had strong opinions about life already when I moved your blanket and you screamed. That may be my favorite thing about you. Admittedly it has been the thing that has made it the hardest to raise you, but you know what you want and are willing to fight for it, please never lose that.

Things were scary at times when you were a baby. You had colic, and reacted so strongly to your vaccines. I felt like I needed to keep you near me at all times. I didn’t leave you with anyone else until you were 14 months old, and that was to make a quick run to the grocery store. I felt like while you would push me away, even at such a young age, you always needed me to hold on tight.

Raising you hasn’t always been easy. You are my sweetest, but you also have razor sharp edges. I thought you were starting the terrible 2s early… at the sweet age of 15 months you started resisting and I thought we were getting it out of the way early. Oh boy was I wrong. It lasted and lasted, finally now at 5 we are turning a corner but still have our rough days. There is a fighting spirit in you. Please don’t lose that, no matter how hard it makes things for me sometimes. Please always fight.

If I ever doubted that I would have to fight for you , this was the year that would prove it to me. I hope in many ways it was also the year I would prove to you that I would fight for you.  You are unfortunately old enough, and also wise enough at the ripe old age of 5 to understand the blow that life handed us this summer. Some of our forever people left us. You amazed me with your strength. You got up and dusted yourself off. You continue to march forward with a strength that I hope someday I can model.  As I continue to fight this battle, I hope you know you are worth more to me than what has been lost. I will never question my choice, never.

Kindergarten has brought medical and learning challenges, and you have rose up to met them all. I have seen the inside of the doctors office and the inside of your school quick a bit. Evaluations, meetings, more evaluations.  Appointments, testings, more appointments and more testing. New treatment options, both conventional and more unconventional. We will fight this battle together. I am so amazed at your strength and courage. You have been so scared at times, but you continue to move forward.

My dear I should have known, the moment I thought you into existence I was in for the fight of my life. I will continue to fight for you, no matter how hard it gets sometimes. What I didn’t know was the strength that such a young child could exhibit. You have a fight in you like no other. As your father once put it you will succeed if for no other reason than sheer determination. Your fight inspires me to fight.

There are many battles ahead , but I have no doubt you will come out on top.