I am in the messy middle.

My life used to be more of a mess, both literally and figuratively. I have made so much progress. I’ve decluttered mercilessly, I have tuned my diet, my mind. I finally went to both therapy and a dentist.

I have made so much progress.

But I’m still so far from where I want to be.

I am in the messy middle.

Maybe I should have documented by journey from the beginning, even if just for myself. I know I have made progress, I know I’ve come so far. The problem is , while taking the first step is truly the hardest part, once you start the beginning is fairly easy, at least in my experience.

In the beginning you see immediate progress. You see bags and bags of items to be donated (or trashed) , you see the initial drop on the scale, the appointments on the calendar. You are doing it!

Now I feel like I’m not making traction. I go forward and I go back a little. Yes I have empty closet space for the first time in maybe my whole life, but I’m still hung up on stuff that my logical brain tells me to let go of to get to the point I want to be at, but for some reason I am struggling to make the tough decisions. Yes I’m in a smaller size than I used to be, and as a general rule I only wear button pants now as a constant reality check for myself, but that box of the next size down is still sitting in my closet waiting for me to get my act together. I am still going to therapy (and plan to go back to the dentist soon) but the easy stuff has been taken care of, now it is time to dive into the deeper problems…. and I kind of don’t want to do this anymore.

I am tired, I am guarded, I am a little scared. I am not longer getting the instant rush of getting something done quickly, and I am learning to persevere. This is the messy middle. This is the part where I have to really be honest with myself, I have to really look at myself in the mirror and have those hard conversations with myself.

No you don’t need that cookbook you bought 5 years ago. Yes you spent the money on it, yup that sucks…. let it go.

No you don’t need to eat that cookie or get a coffee because you’re having a bad day or feel sad or stressed. Yes it makes you happy for 5 seconds… but stop it. Does it help long term? No? OK stop it…

Yes you need to keep making these appointments…. does it take time out of your day? Yup it does…. could you be doing other things? Sure. Do you need to go anyway?  Yes you do.

I know nothing worth doing is easy, but sometimes I still want easy. I guess if we are being honest, the messy middle kind of makes you take a hard look at yourself and what you really want for your life. In my case it was realizing that there is better on the other side, and it may feel like I have a big wall with some barbed wire to climb over the get there. It will be tough, and it’s going to hurt. Freedom is on the other side. A calmer home, maybe some size 8 jeans, and a healthier mind and body.

I love telling stories, and there will also be a good story to tell once I am there. The light I see is the light at the end of the tunnel not an oncoming train. I can do this.