I wanted to hold you back. I wanted to hold you back so badly it makes my heart hurt. This summer you turned 3. You are officially old enough for our towns preschool. Last year your big sister was in preschool and from day one all you wanted to do was get in that building. You wanted to get in that building so badly that I had to use the drop off lane to bring her to school to keep you from trying to bolt into that building.

Next year buddy i would tell you every day as you cried and wanted to go in. After awhile you got used to the routine and stopped crying, but never stopped asking to go too. It didn’t seem like a big deal then to tell you next year you will go, because that was next year not now. But next year came. It’s here, and I’m not ready.

I missed the sign up over the winter for preschool by a few days so you were a few extra places down on the wait list. I felt bad early this summer when it looked like maybe you were not getting a spot at the beginning of the year. This next part makes me feel terrible, but I started to feel glad you were maybe not going. I wanted another year with you , just you. Your baby sister is with us, but she is so little I would have had a year focusing on what you wanted to do. I planned out activities and outtings and all the things to give you some learning while not actually being in school. Your big sister went at 4 and we spent 3 doing just that, learning on our own. I told myself it was just as well you weren’t going because maybe you weren’t ready after all and you would go at 4 and everything would be fine. Since your sister would be taking the bus there would be no building to beg to get into. The truth is maybe I just wasn’t ready.

The other day we got home from a morning activity at the library. I watched you play and thought how happy I would be to have this time with you. As we were getting settled at home I saw I had missed a call. My heart sank when I saw it was the elementary school. I listened to the voice mail and you had your spot. For a second I thought about saying no thank you , but then I thought back to the week before when your sister was telling you that you weren’t going to school with her in the fall and you were so sad. So sad I started to look at other preschools in our area. I called the school and while it hurt I said yes thank you we will accept his spot. I couldn’t hold you back.

The last few days have been bittersweet. I’m honestly so happy for you because you are so happy. Tonight we ordered backpacks for you and your sister. You have been talking non stop about school and how you are going too. I keep telling myself that it is ok, that it’s only 2 and a half hours per day and that we still will have the mornings together to do special things. I keep telling myself it will give me the opportunity to spend some alone time with your baby sister, and to clean, and to catch up on all the things there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do. I tell myself that maybe this will give me more quality time with you and your siblings. Maybe in some ways only having two weeks to get used to the idea is a good thing, I mean how much can I overthink in two short weeks?

I realized that as much as i wanted to hold you back, that would have been wrong of me. To deny you something you wanted so badly to give myself just a little more time. I just wanted to stay in this place with you a little longer. But instead I will smile and wave goodbye at the door, and I will count down the moments until you run back through those doors and tell me how great your day was. I will smile through the tears and be happy for you knowing just how happy you are.