Motherhood for me has been all consuming. It completely controls every aspect of my life, everything that I am, everything that I want to be. What might be surprising to some is that I’m completely ok with it. Sure I have moments where I wish something as simple as taking a shower didn’t have to be a planned event, but at my core I am completely at peace with the decision (yes decision) to let motherhood completely rule over this season of my life.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I knew when I was a young girl that being a mother was something that was high on my priority list. I always wanted several children. I am the oldest of 4 so I had no unrealistic expectations of what having a family would look like. I remember being with 17 or 18 and seeing myself someday with a family. That vision didn’t take too long to become a reality. I welcomed my first child at the young age of 19, and my world has never been the same. Fast forward 10 years and now I am the mother of 3. One “big kid” and my two “littles” as I fondly call them. They take up at least 90% of my brain at all times, and probably just as much of my time. I never expected to spend so much time busy, and yet not have anything to show for my work as far as accomplishments go. My schedule runs around their needs. Something as simple as going to the grocery store has become a monumental task at times. Throw a 2 and a half year old who decided to potty train herself and planning anything seems a little challenging at times.  I used to live by the rule if you’re early you’re on time, if you’re on time you’re late. Now I very rarely promise being there at an exact time, you never know who will need to use the bathroom or have a complete outfit change as we are trying to walk out the door. If we are going somewhere the requires us to be on time, I aim to be there about a half hour early, just to try to ensure that we are there on time. I give no excuses for the fact that I cannot be anywhere on time, my children’s needs will always come before being exactly on time. I used to plan an activity with an exact time of departure and arrival. Now I set a round about time that I’m hoping to walk out the door, with plenty of room for error.

I have learned a lot in my decade as a mother . I used to try to have everything go just a certain way, and I’ve come to learn that children are not black and white, they are many shades of grey. My oldest son is a very different child than my middle girl. My 6 month old is a very different baby than both of my other children were. There are similarities yes, but they are different people, with different personalities, different likes and dislikes. Making sure that they are all happy and healthy takes up a great deal of my time, and that’s ok. Each child has come with their own set of strengths and their own struggles. Learning to simply go with it and address them where they are has proved far more successful than trying to get them to fit into one mold.

I have also learned a lot about myself in my decade as a mother. There are also many shades of grey when it comes to being a mother. I am learning to let go of the things that matter far less in the bigger picture. The perfectionism, the expectations, all rob me of my happiness. I am learning that there are far worse things than having your daughter insist that all her stuffed animals sit on the couch with us, or your son forgetting to make his bed. Home cooked meals served at the dinner table are great, but pizza on the couch watching a movie are great too. Happiness can be found in breaking the rules that society has told us makes a perfect mother,  or makes us have a perfect home and perfect children.  Allowing motherhood to control my life allows me to be a better mother, and a happier mother. Trying to fight it for me is like trying to swim against the current. It won’t stop me from swimming, but it’s much more of a struggle than simply floating downstream.

I know my children and myself best. I know that surrendering to motherhood and all it has to offer; the great parts, the easy parts, the hard parts and the messy parts, makes this season of my life much more peaceful, and me a happier person. I may be tired and run down at times, but my heart and soul are at peace .