New Years Eve is tomorrow night.

This year I’m choosing different for myself.

For many years… many many years … as this date approached I would start my list of resolutions.

I can’t tell you how many times I would announce New Year New Me!

I’m not doing that this year.

I may not do it ever again.

This year instead I’m doing New Year New Attitude…not new me.

My attitude about myself and my expectations has always been the problem… never me.

Am I perfect… no…not even close. I’m human…perfectly human.

I never would expect perfection from another human being. I would never expect someone’s body to perform under neglect. I would never expect someone to have good mental health while being mistreated… yet for some reason I expected myself to function optimally while I was neglecting myself and treating myself poorly.

I’m beyond thankful to have finally worked towards healing my relationship with my mind and body. It’s not perfect but it is so far from where it once was.

As the new year has been approaching my usual thoughts started… including thinking about treating myself to something special if I lost a certain amount of weight.

I know my relationship with myself has improved because I heard the quiet cry from within as soon as I had that thought say what if you could just love me instead… love me anyway even if I can’t perform…. and I said ok… I can do that this time. I hear you…. I’m sorry.

So this year will be different… I’m hoping the rest of my life will be different because of the choices for and promises I’m making to myself.

Never again will I ask for anything of my body before I actually care for it.

Never again will I ask my body to perform anything for vanity again without first checking if I have done the bare minimum to keep it alive never mind perform.

Never again will I be frustrated with myself for feeling tired and anxious when it’s 2pm and the only fuel I’ve given myself is sugar laced caffeine.

Never again will I be frustrated that I ache when I haven’t first offered my body gentle movement or proper hydration.

Never again will I look at my face and be frustrated by the fact that I’m getting older. The way I have treated my body I should be thankful to be aging as well as I am.  I should be thankful that I am still functioning despite the conditions that have made that incredibly hard.

Never again will I research anti-aging creams before first considering how I care for what is on the inside.

Never again will I look at my streaks of Grey and think I look so old. I have endured massive trauma the past 6 years and survived… I earned early Grey strand on my head.

Never again will I say unkind things to or about my midsection. It carried 6 babies, 5 to term. It endured multiple invasive surgeries… it can look however it wants to….it owes me nothing. I owe it everything.

Never again will I treat my body or mind in a way that I would consider abuse if it was happening to anyone else and not call it for what it is… abuse.

I will never again expects miracles from myself if I can’t even consistently give my body something as simple as a glass of water and a Multivitamin.

And I will recognize that my body has performed miracles. It grew my children, it nourished my children.  My body is capable of continuing to go and go and go even without getting the most basic care and kindness needed… and that in and of itself is a miracle.

So this New Years Day I will not wake up and try to hate myself enough to make changes. Maybe that is motivating for some people…. but I’ve done that for too long and I have proven to myself that those are not the conditions that I thrive in.  I may survive those conditions but I thrive under care.

This New Years Day I will wake up and love myself, care for myself, treat myself with the same standards of care I believe others deserve.

I will not hope that doing this will get any results. I don’t care if it doesn’t.  My body may take some time to recover.. and that’s ok. My body deserves to take the time needed for recovery before any performance is asked.

My body may not even fully understand what it needs yet to thrive, and I’ll be patient. When you’ve been neglected even basic care feels luxurious.  I fully expect once some basic care is offered and survival mode quiets my body may collapse for a time once stress hormones aren’t the only thing holding it up.  That will be ok. I will love myself no less.

I hope anyone reading this can find it within themselves to consider looking at New Years differently as well. Maybe your not failing at anything, just under cared for, under loved and under appreciated. Take a moment to consider what changing that would feel like… and then give yourself permission to do it.

I challenge you to abandon the culture that pushed you to the negative thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself.  The one that told you to grind and push harder as if sheer will and drive is enough even in the absence of love and care.

Let it go. Let it go and actually have a Happy New Year, not another year of hating yourself.