I’m not thriving in my current season.

I’m at the point I’m not even trying to.

I’m just trying to make it from sunrise to sunset in one piece.

As I write this it’s 435am . I’m sitting in the couch with my son to be 3 year old watching Paw Patrol because I’ve given up on any hope of sleeping.  He feel asleep at 515pm after a trip to the Alligator Farm.  My husband announced he was probably out for the night.  Jokes on him I guess because our little friend woke up at 1230am and has been up since.  Better yet I guess the jokes on me because I’m the one up. Full disclosure he has a few times woken up and asked if he needed to take over, but my anxiety about my toddler will keep me from actually going back to sleep so no sense in two miserable adults.

Maybe with any luck the cup of coffee in just brewed will inspire him to sleep… and me to pour it down the drain and do the same.

I’ve put most of my plans for myself on the back burner because I see no way to accomplish them and while I could persist I find the more I try and the less I succeed the more frustrated I become.  If I’m going to survive my season I need to strategically remove as many sources of frustration as I can… I am fortunate enough to have the insight that this season is hard it isn’t forever.

I am in survive mode not thrive mode.

I have five children so I guess I asked for this.  I didn’t anticipate that an autoimmune disease diagnosis for me and a diagnosis for my child that would consume so much of my energy.  I am so thankful I am a stay at home mom so I can attend to his needs but that’s hard when you physically hurt so much to always do it with grace. Some days I want to put my head down and ask to be tapped out for even just 20 minutes.

My children are active and engaged in the community and for that I am so grateful.  I also find I use every bit of my executive functioning capacity to figure out how to do it all.

Over the past year I’ve tried very hard to have some convictions that I stand by,  but I wonder why I took on causes like no dinosaur nuggets ( most of the time) when some days I just want to follow the saying fed is best.  In all the research I’ve been doing I see the problems with feeding kids and adults anything they will eat vs whole foods… but sometimes my tired body and mind just wants to buy the damn nuggets and allow my sanity to live to see another day.

I’m trying to figure out what my actual priorities are and what things I can put down for now. 

I’m still trying to access that quite frankly , but I’m the process of trying and failing and failing some more with the occasional win I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be thriving as long as I’m surviving.  Survival mode while not ideal in the long term still beats not surviving at all.

For me that means while I prioritize whole foods for my family I’m not above stopping at McDonald’s the one day a week I can’t figure out how to be in 5 places at once while serving a home cooked meal ( I’m looking at you Thursdays).

I try to keep up with the dirty laundry…. which surprisingly enough I do… but it’s currently living in a laundry basket unfolded where it will stay for the time being.

I would really love an actual routine for myself… but that means I had to let go of all or nothing.  While a nightly routine would be great… if I only manage three nights a week I need to embrace that it’s better than no nights a week.

I’m trying to find functional.  I’m trying to figure out how to survive my current season long enough to make it to the other side alive. If I can do that maybe I have a chance at finding out what thriving means for me. However that day is not today.  Probably not tomorrow either.  My only goal for today is not not drink so much coffee this morning that I’m unable to sleep when my little one finally decides to…. and I think that is a pretty good goal for now.