Well.. in less than 48 hours I’m going cold turkey on the Carnivore diet.

I’ve been putting this off for months.  My last appointment was September 19th.

My next appointment is December 16th. My labs are tomorrow so no time to fix what I haven’t done. But I’m hoping if I’m at least on it I don’t have to go on the call head hanging that I didn’t do it still.  I can say I struggled through a lot of life and didn’t and then tried and didn’t but I did it finally!

That’s the hope anyway.

Today I did prove to myself I have to. I had some treats from a bakery as my sign off . There is a little bakery in town we love and I was going to have a final thing from there. It was closed. My husband went somewhere else..got something insanely good… and today I was dying from it. Like had to miss half of church dying. So bad I left the church building to go to the hall across the parking lot to die in peace. My system just can’t.

My timing is probably bad but also life saving. I hate December.  I love Christmas but December has not been a history kind month for me. This diet is going to save me  from myself.

Last night I dumped a bottle of Parrot Bay. I don’t drink often or very much because I have 0 tolerance for alcohol. Last night I felt I needed a drink the same way I need a cup of coffee in the morning… or at 3pm when I’m crashing. So I decided it needed to go. I heard something the other day and it was eye opening. All too often you hear everything in moderation..everything is OK and in moderation. No bad foods etc etc. The dose makes the poison kind of deal. Which leaves people like me feeling shame. I don’t moderate. I am all or nothing. I was watching a YouTube clip from Courtney Luna and she was talking about how there are moderators and abstainers… and it clicked. I’m an abstained. I felt so seen. I have always said I’m all or nothing. One is one too many thirteen isn’t enough.

Some foods… some flavors… are triggering for me. I have a problem with stuff. Honestly the only reason I am blessed to have never experienced a substance abuse problem is because I’m how painfully aware of the fact that if I allowed myself to slip I probably would. I’ve gotten to the point I can have stuff around as long as I never touch the chocolate,  never open the bottle of wine.  But if I do I want more. Never fails. So I just abstain.

I bought her cookbook https://a.co/d/2B2NfNz ( not an ad just think it’s helpful) to try to excited myself.  I can’t do the more “fun” Carnivore while I’m on the climatic phase but things to look forward to.

Of course as I’m about to embark on this my life feels hard but I guess that’s another reality… my life somehow is always hard and I can’t wait for it to not be. Next week I have to travel to my home state unexpectedly and I’m having some feelings… but I can’t wait. I’m going to try and give some grace as needed.

I got some unflavored electrolytes https://a.co/d/hqmpqMI ( again no ad just sharing) and a big old bottle of Aleve for the caffeine headaches.  I likely will not give up the coffee this week the first day or two… that’s how I convinced myself it will be ok with a couple big appointments etc. Can’t be dying from caffeine withdrawal at your kids hearing test 🙂

Maybe it’s nerves kicking in but right now my mood is very FML .

I went to the store today thinking get some steak… you love it…maybe it will make the first few days feel luxurious and you’ll be so happy to do this. Then I looked at the price tag and stood there for like ten minutes debating… whether I was worth the money. I couldn’t get myself to get the twenty dollar a pound meat…but I got some still feels too expensive seven and change a pound meat. I thought it could be fun and maybe if I’m really good once I stick to it for a month or so I’ll indulge…or just hope for a good sale…which is probably more likely the case.

For fun I decided I would try to video journal as well as actively write here on my blog. I took down my Instagram and I’m off Facebook until next November ( personal challenge) but I do truly like sharing. So I am giving my try at YouTube. I have zero experience and at least right now will be editing nothing because one I don’t know how…. two I’m only using my cell phone and three well honestly if I had to edit a video to upload at this phase of life I just wouldn’t. But in today’s filter heavy edited world maybe some raw mess can find it’s place.

My recent video is here

And to my surprise I actually managed to link it! Look at that maybe I can use the internet 🙂

I got a little hung up today on the “give ups” going on this plan.

Then I relieved everything I’m giving up the longer I wait. The longer I wait the longer I allow myself to suffer and not to be dramatic but I just want my life back. I don’t know how close I’ll ever be to feeling completely myself again. But anything is better than my current reality…. because now I feel like I’m trapped in a body I don’t know that I don’t belong in.  While I have worked incredibly hard at developing compassion for myself… I still cannot stay in my current state for much longer.