Past Yesterday by Jelly Roll & Skylar Grey is the latest song to hit me right in the feels.
This song references sexual abuse. If this a triggering subject for you I would stop reading this now. And if it is I send you all the love in the world.
Have you listened to it? If not take a minute and look it up.
This song is worth a couple listens. It is both emotion inducing and incredibly empowering.
If you take nothing else from this song or my entire post this part of the lyrics are so so empowering…and true.
” ‘Cause you ain’t the hell that you’ve been through you’re more than what’s been done to you. “
Yes… I want to scream this from the rooftops. This is a message that all survivors of any type of abuse need to hear.
While I can only speak for myself, I feel like when you are abused it becomes so much more than a past event. It becomes part of your identity.
I believe this is true for all types of abuse whether it be sexual, physical or mental. Your life becomes a before and an after.
There is so much shame.
If you don’t tell anyone you hold that shame inside of you as it eats away at your soul. If you do tell anyone you expose yourself to the possibility of being called a liar. Remember the man vs the bear debate? Read the whys…. they could bring you to your knees.
I was around 10 when my life was changed forever. At a sleepover. Somewhere until that very moment I had felt safe. It is a moment that is etched into my mind forever. When my 10 year old brain woke up to danger and had to figure out how to manage the situation while pretending to be asleep still.
That moment seemed to have put a bullseye on my back . As if somehow word got out that someone violated me…got away it with it… and the next person would likely…and did…get away with it too.
It started a life long struggle of trying to stay out of my own head. Staying busy…always busy. Nightmares . A disconnection within myself.
Did you know woman who have experienced child sexual abuse are more likely to end up overweight?
This is an older study but this is from AAP
I did not end up overweight on purpose….however as much shame as I have at times felt I will say this body has felt safer to me than the body that attracted the unwanted .
Over the years I’ve managed to lose weight, but I was always surprised at the amount of anxiety it produced.
The body keeps score. It remembers.
There is also a link to autoimmune disease. Which in addition to being overweight I also have.
The song opens with ” Don’t judge me if I get too high tonight.My journey isn’t yours, it’s only mine.The damage has been done, so this, I pray God give me the strength to get myself past yesterday”
I am fortunate to be sober. I have by the grace of God never got to a point where I was not able to stay sober. I thank my extreme self awareness for that. I come from a family with a strong history of substance abuse. I have caught myself struggling to not have one more when I let myself indulge. Whenever I allow myself to have it around and catch myself feeling the need to have a drink to wind down I no longer allow myself to have it. I know I crave the feeling of a peaceful mind more than the alcohol, but I haven’t figured out a way to find quiet without it. Even my dreams are not always a peaceful place. I never want my children to experience the trauma of a parent with substance abuse problems… so you will not catch me with wine at dinner. Instead you’ll catch me with a busy mind.
I was a teenager when I almost became addicted to my medicine for pain. I recall the strange feeling of enjoying taking it… again thank you to God for saving me from that path. I was given the knowledge to know even as a kid that this wasn’t normal and to steer clear. The physical pain I felt not taking it for my injury was much better than the lifetime pain that addiction would have caused.
While I doubt he will ever read this… I want to thank Jelly Roll for putting out this song. This song highlights such a harsh but important topic… and from the standpoint of the emotional fall out the victim experiences. This song put into words what my hurting heart has felt since I was a little girl but couldn’t. Thank you for helping to explain the dirty that can’t be washed off. The shock of suddenly being lifetimes older. Thank you for the encouragement that I am more than what happened to me. Until your song My Cross I hadn’t heard too much of your music, but it has touched my soul and I am forever grateful to you for not just singing catchy lyrics, but instead ones that touch on difficult but necessary truths. God Bless.
The Tales of a Modern Housewife 