When I was 34… I declared that 36 was going to be my year.

I thought then that by 36 I’d have myself figured out.

Last weekend marked the half way point of my 36th trip around the sun.

And if I’m being honest with myself….I can’t tell you if it will go down in history as my year.

I guess I’ve figured out some things.

I was diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis.

I went back to therapy… more than once in fact. Found a provider… then they took a new job… and while I wanted to use it as an excuse to stop… I found another one.  What I carry is heavy… and I’m trying to start to unpack it all a little at a time.

I went back to church. I’m trying to learn to have faith without seeing….but admittedly desperately wishing someone could tell me if my life is going to work out ok.

I’m making progress in the book The Body Keeps The Score…I’ve been a month or so…I’ve gotten to chapter 10. But still past chapter 2 which was my record before. I’ve put it down again … but I’ll pick it back up. In the mean time I’ve listened to a few other books that help me put so much into perspective.  I haven’t done a whole lot with that perspective yet…but I’m watching and observing and trying to make sense of a lot… while completely struggling to understand at the same time.

Sometimes I still feel like I’m failing.

This the year everything would all make sense….and I was going to get it together.

Side note….My half birthday was in November…it’s now March. I took months to pick this back up.  I live writing…it’s such an outlet for me…yet I never do it.  Hopefully I’ll start again soon.  I left that part… and added this one…. to show that I’m still trying to get it together… or maybe someday years from now… to remind myself that I was struggling but still trying to pick up the pieces…. back to my post…

Some days I feel more confused than ever.

I have 6 months… can I make this my victory year…or will I come up short? Now I have 2 because I took so long to finish writing this.

Or maybe instead of aiming for an undefined victory I should just be for a bit.

The past 5 years have been hard.

The past 2 even harder.

And I’m still here.

I haven’t quit.

36 may end up more of my launch pad than my year of victory… and I am at peace with that.