* talking about mental health including panic attacks. If this subject is hard for you my heart goes out to you. Please stop reading now *

To fight or give in….that really seems to be the question.

I’ve been fighting off a panic attack the better part of my day. For some reason tonight I’m starting to lose the fight.

I got into bed and expected to go to sleep. I had drifted off to sleep when suddenly something jolted me awake. I couldn’t tell you what. I was suddenly wide awake . And not just awake but ready for something….but nothing had happened.

I have my suspicions. This isn’t the first time lately this has happened to me. Fortunately this means once this initial shock of jolting awake has past I am no longer frightened by it. Sleep is …I thought anyway… supposed to be a time to escape all the troubles of the world and allow your body and mind time to slow and rest. For me sleep seems to be when my body tries to rest…exhausted from the constant state of fight or flight… and then like changing of the guards my mind enters the battlefield ready to go. My nights are no longer a place for peace. The have been the stage for dreams that disturb my peace… sometimes nightmares…sometimes trying to piece together the broken pieces of my life…sometimes of people no longer in my life…who’s mere exsistence in a dream weighs down my soul even more.

Fighting off a panic attack is exhausting….yet still doesn’t tire me enough for me to just fall asleep. At this point I start to wonder if it’s time to give in…let it the hold…ride the wave and have it be over.

Usually I can will power my way out of one..some mean self talk… a couple of slaps on my cheeks… some cold water….I can get it to stop. Last weekend I could not and found myself on my shower floor… making me wonder what is finally driving me to lose control over this.

I have spoken with both my new therapist and my doctor over the matter. Starting therapy ….and trying to face my issues head on vs the slow roll into it I’ve tried to do before has been hard. I likely have PTSD… and while the diagnosis is not on paper ( not that I know of yet) I’ve had 4 therapist suggest it as well as my doctor when I described the symptoms agree that’s very much what they sounded like. I am incredibly high functioning which caused one of the therapist that I worked with for individual counseling to say she hesitated to officially call it that and my most recent one suggest we try EMDR to tackle it.

I tend to package up my experiences… put a little bow on top and stash them away in my closet. Fortunately or unfortunately this has been a part of my life as long as I can remember so I’ve gotten very good at putting things away. However my closet is at capacity. Move one thing wrong and it seems like the entire contents of that overflowing closet come spilling out on top of me . Faced with the choice to shove it all back in there or deal with it… I usually shove it away, force the door shut again and try to ignore it again.

I am currently sitting in the spilled out mess….and wondering how many times I want to repeat that cycle for the rest of my life. Should I try to stack it away a little more neatly this time …. attempt the method of slow decluttering removing one box at a time looking at its contents and decided if it stays or goes….or do I leave the entire mess on the floor…learn to sit in it…then put it back after it’s been throughly sorted and digested… or better yet sorted then put in the trash can out at the curb no longer cluttering my heart and mind.

What I should do and what I want to do unfortunately don’t line up. I don’t want to do this. I want to put it back in the closet or better yet rent a storage container to allow more room for stuffing all that life throws my way. But what happens when that one fills too?

If I’m being honest I’m scared to face these things..some things I’ve put away for so long and am unsure what I would even make of them. Some things I know unpacking would permanently effect how I live my day to day life… and isn’t it a little late for that now? What if I unpack something and can no longer pretend to feel ok about it? What happens then?

I believe my body is finally trying to answer the what to do question. My refusal to address these things is now manifesting into severe anxiety and panic attacks. I still mostly have control over it…but what happens if I lose my grip?

I have owned the book the body keeps the score for years..and couldn’t get past the second chapter. I just recently got the audio book. I am still struggling to listen to it but I’m making more progress with this than the actual book.

I finally got out of bed tonight because clearly sleep was not coming . I cleaned for a bit to physically move my body and get ahead of my work for tomorrow. I chugged an Izzy… Basically just carbonated fruit juice. I have been craving an actual drink lately…but I am determined not to numb myself. I haven’t had any alcohol in over two years and now doesn’t feel like the time to start…so while not fitting my reduced sugar attempt… it is giving me the same fruit/ fizz that a glass of wine would so I will cut myself some slack. I am only human.

It’s now 1am. I don’t know if it was the movement, throwing things in a trash can or sitting to let some of these feelings out… but the heart racing appears to be slowing down. I am praying that this time I will be able to get into bed and sleep will find me.

This fight is hard. I hope someday to be on the other side… telling you it was all worth it. But for tonight I’m going to be praying for the strength not to get to the other side…but just through another day.