June 19th 2019 was the last night I went to bed feeling whole.

The following day was my 3 year old birthday… the weather wasn’t supposed to be great but we planned a fun outing to our favorite indoor bounce place.

The day had been going so well. Fast forward to the afternoon.

By the evening I couldn’t even breathe.

I couldn’t even tell you now how I managed to go to bed that night.

I’m guessing it had to do with the fact I had a baby who was only 2 months old and I was sick.

The days that followed were some of the hardest of my entire life.

My family was gone… alive but gone to me.

My children needed comfort and I wanted to fall apart.

Falling apart was not something I could do in front of them.

After seeking advice from the pediatrician it was my goal to make this event a least traumatic as possible for my children as I could.

Playplaces. Fun movies. Friends..snacks. late night playground trips.

I prayed my efforts would be enough.

Fast forward 4 years.

My children are healthy and thriving. They live in a home where their mental health matters and I am pretty sure they know that they are deeply valued and will be protected at any cost.

I do try to minimize the cost I paid. I never want them to feel like have to repay me or that they owe me something for the decisions I made that weekend. If I had a chance to make those decisions again I would without a moment of hesitation.

But I’ve never been the same.

My entire foundation crumbled beneath me. Like a natural disaster I never saw coming. A beautiful sunny day turned into a pile of rubble , only giving enough notice to try and take cover.

The pain of that weekend will be with me for the rest of my days here on Earth.

Looking at whole families is so bittersweet. I try not to ne envious, but I can’t help but feeling longing to have that myself. While I would never wish the pain I feel on another person, I wonder how much more people could and should appreciate their blessings,because as cliche as the saying is you truly never know what you had until its gone.

It is a strange feeling to be mourning people who are still alive and accept that your life you knew is over is probably the hardest part.

My children ask questions sometimes and the pain hits again. I never want my children to carry my burdens so I keep it basic and honestly rehearsed as I wanted to be prepared to answer as honestly and simply as I could… straight to the point no emotion. Basically my answer is bad choices where made and because of those choices decisions for safety and well being were made. That’s it. Non emotional and to the point. While inside I feel like my insides are being ripped open… the wound is still very much there.

My forever is gone, and I’m left trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Being a parent while heartbroken has been one of my biggest challenges, one that I pray everyday I met with as close to excellence as possible.

My whole world is different now.

It took me 4 years to be able to use a certain coffee mug.

My entire sense of safety and wellbeing is gone. If they could leave how can I ever feel secure about other people in my life ever again?

My sense of worth has been destroyed. To be so quickly thrown away . How do I ensure my children don’t feel thrown away too? Because the reality is the relationship could have withstood with boundaries set, but I guess me and my own weren’t enough to try?

I have faced so much without them… and their absence had a direct influence on decisions made because I no longer had anywhere to turn.

Certain holidays, certain songs, even expressions can trigger intense feelings that can range from absolute rage to deep despair.

Invisible wounds that weigh me down.

I am thankful my children seem to be oblivious to my hurt. My oldest understands more and makes jokes about it…to which I try to joke around back with.

My other children while incredibly intune to those around them seem to have not been able to pick up on my destress. Either it’s been such a constant that it’s no longer noticable..or…and this is my hope… is that I’ve been able to shield them from the hurt. That time and their ages are. My friend in this situation, and that their ignorance to it all is bliss… because I never want their hearts to hurt like mine does.