I guess I wasn’t actually over it .

Any of it.

Last week I went back to therapy and it let me with lots of feelings. I had rehersed my summary over and over again before going.

Which part was I going to start with? All of it? Some of it? Right now? 20 years ago? I decided that I was going to mention that there was a lot from my younger years but really that all the stuff hit the fan and 2019 and all the fall out since. I was so proud. I got most of it out without crying and in the hour I had.

Today I went back for individual therapy then literally straight into couples therapy which we started again for the first time today… not going to lie I’m torn on whether it was helpful keeping me composed for most of the session and not being afraid to face the elephant head on…or if it was too much because I cracked at the end of our session started to cry and could barely speak for hours after without tears and far too many feelings bubbling to the surface. I managed to quick cry…pick up my teen from the college return to the high-school then resume my crying in my driveway for a few before going in and trying to be normal.

But I couldn’t be.

I have not been able to speak for any length of time without the urge to fall apart.

So what happened?

Turns out repressing your feelings isn’t a good long term strategy…shocking right?

I have been repressing a lot of my feelings most of my life. To be feelings are a waste of precious time and resources so the best way to handle is suppress, power cry, and have a meltdown every so often ( showers are a fantastic place for this in my opinion since the running water muffles the sound of tears) then repeat.

I’ve been telling myself I’m over my childhood.

I’ve been telling myself I’m over high-school being so complicated…and before you say yeah high-school is complicated for everyone I mean things like a restraining order inappropriate relationships with full grown men etc.

I’ve been telling myself getting pregnant at 18 was fine and not hard.

I’ve been telling myself I’m OK with no longer having most of my family in my life after protecting one of my children.

And being abandoned during some of my darkest moments.

Having inadequate support after multiple surgeries, and pregnancies, illness was ok and look I ended up fine!

My relationship with my grandmother breaking down in the years before her death.

My marriage nearly ending and the backlash of choices I made when I thought we were done…

I thought I was ok.

Or maybe not ok but you know doing well enough.

Turns out I’m full of shit.

And I think I knew this before going back.

Because I was scared to go.

Because I was glad there were openings fast so I couldn’t overthink and change my mind.

Because I can’t ever talk about any of this without feeling like someone took me out at me knees.

Because all I have been able to do is cry during nap time then shower before my other kids got off the bus to hide the fact I had been crying.

I got my kids McDonald’s for dinner because if anyone said they didn’t like what I cooked I was afraid I’d cry again.

And I managed to toss dried mango, some babybel and Pepperoni on a plate for myself realizing that I would feel even more emotionally hung over tomorrow if my dinner only consisted of the coffee I had to power thru the night.

I watched not one but two movies with my kids… our very own double feature at home… when really I just didn’t have much else in me.

And now sitting in a bathtub my mind is so loud that I am writing this because if I don’t I feel it won’t quiet down enough for me to sleep.

And not sleeping may actually be OK because you can’t have nightmares when you are awake.

When simply thinking that and how you feel like you’ve lost your shine and wondering how much of what I’ve just said is contributing to it makes your eyes immediately fill up..eyes that burn because you’ve cried so much already.

I’m not over any of this.

And sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be over it.

And I’m so grateful for my kids because they are the reason I can wake up every day and face all of this. They think McDonald’s and double movie night is amazing… and it makes me feel like a slightly less inadequate mother… because they are happy.

I feel paralyzed tonight.

And I pray for a better day tomorrow. I pray that God either shows me the path to get over this…or the strength to endure. I’m sure I’m just tired. All will be OK tomorrow.

Goodnight.