Season of life…it’s what I’m now saying to myself whenever I feel frustrated or sad or really anything about what I am and am not able to do right now.

I am trying to examine where my frustration comes from.

The fact women where told we could have everything all at once and enjoy it all? That’s life an all you can eat buffet… without taking into consideration that your plate only can hold so much and eventually no matter how many times you come back for more you get full… that we can have our kids…our careers…our free time…all of it… and the message that comes along with it that if you can’t then there’s something wrong with you?

Maybe that this season for me has been a long one. Like a climate that only really has one season all year that has been how my life has been. I cannot believe I’m saying this but at 36 years old I have already been a mother for 17 years. When my oldest was 7 I had my second child and I have been pregnant or breastfeeding ( sometimes both at once) since October 2013 with the exception of a few months summer of 2021…. that’s almost 10 years of my body not being fully my own.

While I love this season its been a long one.

For the past few years I feel like a failure. I think back to when my 9 year old was a baby… she’s baby #2… when she napped I would clean , mop floors, plan more elaborate menus. Now when baby #5 is asleep…. well what I’m able to do varies greatly. Sometimes he’s napping in the car during a drop off or pick up. Sometimes I’m trying to catch up with laundry. Sometimes when the other kids aren’t in school he’s napping but I’m parenting other kids who are awake. My time is dictated by the needs of others.

Here’s an example:

Today my husband had a work meeting… my baby was happy playing in his playpen. I try not to do things that are loud while he is on work calls out of respect. Baby wS happy playing. I looked at the laundry… then thought you know I paid for a year long stretch program I should use it. I opened the app… saw the hip mobility program… perfect for me because my hips have seen better days. The first class add they call it is 9 minutes and 11 seconds…. I can give myself that time I decide. Run to the bathroom come out and start the program. No lie… 1 minute and 12 seconds in my little guy decides he wants to spit out his water all over the floor in his playpen. Which means when he walks he will slip. Pause video get towel… and now he wants me to pick him up. I could have left him in his playpen… but he might cry… my husband is on a call… and honestly I struggle to let him cry especially when he has a cold because i won’t pick him up.

So now I’m holding him while he nurses and I’m typing this… and feeling guilty he doesn’t have my full attention.

Season of life is what I tell myself … while wondering if I will manage to finish the exercise today or if that 7 minutes and 59 seconds will stay on the clock for another week. My kids will be home tomorrow due to a Tropical Storm / Hurricane depending on the intensity.

I want to set a good example to my kids…especially my girls… of taking care of myself… while also keeping up with my season…and trying to fix what is broken due to lack of car over the years.

Recently we were watching Boss Baby ( second one I believe) and the Dad in the movie says that he’s a stay at home dad…which means he hardly gets to stay home at all… I laughed because I can relate to that. Lately my days consist of wake up with enough time to nurse baby before the packing starts. 4 kids to get out the door. 3 lunchboxes full of snacks and lunches….water bottles… pack up kiddo number 1 and 4 for their respective drop offs while my husband takes the baby and other kids to bus stop ( when he travels for work I do all 3 schools). I come home and take over the baby once I get pack. A few hours later I pack up my oldest a snack and water before getting them from their dual enrollment program and bringing them to the high-school . Usually the little guy is napping and I try to use that time to listen to a podcast or lately I’ve been listening to a Mass from Knock Shrine in Ireland on the way in. Home for a few hours before my elementary kids come home. Snacks and homework before grabbing my preschooler and then more food to prep.

I honestly love it. I love being a mom. I just have yet to find the balance of doing my mom routine while taking care of a house and having time to take care of myself.

I look at the list of things I have to do and I struggle to find time for the wants.

From the kitchen window I can see my plants that need some love… and my bread machine that I need to find the time to plug in and use. Joking aside my plan is once the baby is older and not nursing in the mornings is to be up at 430/5am to fit in the wants with the musts.

I worry the wants will never come to be… and I’m torn between sadness and acceptance since I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl and if it’s the only thing I accomplish in my adult life I would be OK. But some of my wants are things I wanted my kids to experience… home grown food …fresh made bread… so it’s harder to let go.

As I let the wants to I wonder if I’m a failure or if it really isn’t possible to have it all and do it all well. What I do know is this season of intense motherhood will be over and I don’t want to look back and feel like I didn’t do it well… like I tried to do too many other things at the same time and lost sight of my original dream.

My baby has now snuggled up… so my writing is down for now. … looks like my exercise program too. But that’s OK. Its my season.