I keep having these moments of getting tired of being sick and tired.

And I think today is the day I turn it all around.

Then something else happens that makes me tired of being sick and tired.

And I actually have made myself believe that maybe I’m flawed. No matter how tired I get of being sick and tired I can’t fix it.

Then it hit me…

I can feel tired of being sick and tired… but that doesn’t mean that I can actually do anything about it.

One of the hardest things for me to accept that at this current moment the things happening within my body I actually don’t have much control over. Hell I don’t even fully understand what’s happening to my body…never mind being able to take control over it.

Call me crazy but I am convinced this season of life will be one of my biggest and most important lessons yet.

I feel strongly that God has not abandoned me but is putting me on a painful path that will lead to great things. I am trying to remain hopeful. I am both surrendered to what is happened while also trying to make the best choices I can… if that makes sense at all.

Last week I started to come out of my flare. The little things have become such big things…fully opening my hand with minimal pain.

Then this weekend my lower half got nailed. My upper body was seeing relief while my lower wasn’t but I was still happy. Then I woke up actually unable to get up. I was able to eventually. However the pain in my left hip was so intense that I had to do it in stages and convince myself that I could in fact do it. I could stand but the pain sent me back down. It took quite a few attempts then I had to brace myself against my wall for a moment while I collected myself. I knew if I lost my emotions it was over.

That was not an ideal way to start a day.

I felt like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz.

Once I got moving while not pain free I was able to move and go about my day. I struggled going from sitting to standing so I tried to stay on my feet as much as I could.

Today I’m praying I got some relief.

I went shopping with my oldest. It always costs me a bit extra because I let them pick some things…but I feel our time like this… as things are now…coming to an end. So I don’t mind the extra money spent. The walking around was good and spending some time with them was nice.

After getting everything settled my husband had some time to hang out so we relaxed for a little bit before going to pick up the kids from camp and preschool. Out of the blue I heard the loudest popping / cracking sound and felt it come from my hurting hip. Just thinking of the sound hours later makes me cringe..if I hadn’t just gotten my baby down for a nap I may have screamed.

After a few moments I moved it…and my hip moved. It was incredible…as well as painful!

I immediately felt antsy. Ok I can move again let’s get going do that laundry do this do that.

But my core still burned. I think when I am dealing with pain in my joints and bones in general my muscles jump in the compensate and I hold the area tight. I couldn’t feel it as much when my hip was so bad but now it feels like I did far too many ab exercises and I overdid it. I did 0 about exercises intentionally but I am assuming I was way too tight to try to protect my back.

I didn’t finish writing this when I started yesterday so here is a continuation of my thoughts. I am sitting in the waiting room at my doctor’s office. I am excited to see her and dreading it at the same time.

I just want relief. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and hurting.

I know patience it required and I’m trying to find joy and celebrate the good days…but it is triggering some sadness that the good days seem to be harder to find. This morning I noticed my knuckles were starting to swell and I was immediately concerned that a flare was coming for me again before I ever got the chance to actually feel better.

There is a depression screening that is given every time and I had to actually say on there that the degree of my depression depends so much on how I’m feeling. I think if I could get through a few days without being in so much pain it would greatly impact my mood.

I am trying to remain hopeful. It’s hard.