In two days I go back to see my primary care doctor for a 3 month follow up.

One of the things suggested strongly was that I stop breastfeeding.

My baby is 14 months old now.

I made it to 12 months which used to be the recommendation… but last I looked not only does WHO suggest 24 months but the American Academy of Pediatrics. (https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/faq/index.htm#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Pediatrics%20and%20the%20World%20Health%20Organization,years%20of%20age%20or%20longer.)

Out of my 5 kids I nursed 4. My first I was 19 and panicked when we struggled to establish breastfeeding. Gave him a bottle and we’ll that was that. With my 2nd I was determined and fortunately was able. I nursed each of my other breastfed babies until 2ish. I am a self proclaimed lazy weaner. I don’t want it to be overly emotional or a huge struggle. I got them each to the point it was solely bedtime and then in different ways got them to were we could go to bed without it and that was that.

My little guy is still 14 months old, and he still needs it. Some days he couldn’t care less about breastfeeding and is happy with his regular food, daddy snuggles for nap time, his sippy cup…anything but me. There are other days especially if he is feeling under the weather it’s all he wants.

I am an anxious nursing mom. I would probably be horrified if I knew the total amount of times I have Googled is ___ safe while breastfeeding….

I am very much an on the side of caution person.

One cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning then my afternoon iced coffee is decaf..yes I know not free of caffeine but greatly reduced. Sometimes I allow myself a Dr Pepper but that’s sometimes.

I don’t take medicine unless I need to… and even when I need to I obsess over if it’s OK or not. I recently had an incredibly painful surgery. I skipped the patch that would have helped my nausea ( and regretted it when I woke up from surgery and vomited) as well as the pain medicine that would have actually helped my pain. I had one single dose of real pain medicine because I was in so much pain I threw up and that was it. Tylenol and motrin after. Did I mention I had my tubes removed, a hernia repair and an unexpected fatty tumor removed?

I could have taken medicine for relief from my severe IBSD but it wasn’t compatible…so I didn’t.

I am cautious about everything. What I eat and drink, medicine and supplements, even what I use on my skin.

While I think being cautious isn’t the worst thing I also am probably too cautious.

I was prescribed medication that my Dr said was ok… pediatrician said shouldn’t be a problem… pharmacist was concerned… and I never took it.

I don’t use sweetners because I worry about what’s passed through.

Sometimes… ok a lot of the time I make myself crazy.

Wednesday I will go to my appointment and be honest I have not weaned him…and I probably won’t. Unless it’s life or death for me I plan to stick to my goal of 2 unless he decides himself he wants to stop.

He is my last baby. Last biological at least. I will never breastfeed another baby again. After a lot of thought and consideration and even more prayers… I think the sort term gains I may personally have by stopping early will not be worth the emotional cost to myself and what if moments that would come.

While I believe fed is best vs breast is best… I am able to breastfeed.

I am not ready.

Once he is 2… we will begin the process.

When he is 2 that will be 10 years… an entire decade of my body in part belonging to another human being whether through pregnancy, breastfeeding, or both at once which the exception of a few months right before I became pregnant with my little one .

I wish I could be more relaxed about it but I cannot. I’m sure my heightened anxiety after my miscarriage is not helping. But at least I can acknowledge the situation for what it is and move forward.

Wednesday I’ll ask for some more specifics about what I can do to improve some of my health conditions while still nursing as well as see if she can recommend a lactation consultant. While this isn’t my first breastfed baby…it’s my first time doing it while in the middle of a health battle.