Lately it’s the small reminders that hit me the hardest.

I am going to be painting our bathroom.

I need a change of scenery.

I was washing the walls in anticipation of priming them and saying goodbye to my not sure if it’s brown or orange bathroom.

I went to climb up on my tub…. and it was hard. I found myself when I was fine debating how I would get back down…. then unable to climb up the other side.

Prior to my pregnancy with my now 13 month old I would hop up and down on the side of my old bathtub all the time to reach the shower head.

As I stood in the bathroom my hopes began to mix with fears. Would I even be able to complete this project?

I painted so much of my first house. I took such pride in the work I had done. My last home I didn’t do much of anything…. and it never felt like mine. I was hoping to do things differently with this house.

We’ve been here a year…. and it’s been one hell of a year.

I’m not exactly in the condition to be doing these kinds of projects… but my soul needs it. Maybe bring surrounded by a space that brings me joy will help lift some of the depression I’ve been feeling.

I’m noticing signs of a flare. I’m really tired. My knuckles have been swelling . At one point today I had jolting pain my my wrist.

I thought about putting off my project, but I plan to start anyway even if I takes me a little longer than expected.

These small reminders break my heart. I am never pain free but when I’m out of a flare my life is significantly easier. The swelling the pain…the difficulty doing things I once did… remind me that’s it’s not over. This isn’t an injury to be patient and heal from…. but a chronic battle… one that some days I’m not sure I have the energy to fight.

They are also a reminder to not put off living, since we are not only not guaranteed tomorrow, but we are not guaranteed the quality of tomorrow. To not put off anything because the time may come to do it but your time has past.