Today…. in a few hours… I’ll be headed back to the rheumatologist. When they confirmed the appointment the woman said they will try to make my next appointment at the closer location. While I was like oh nice no 1 hour ride… I realize that my journey may have just begun.

I’m so nervous and yet so calm at the same time. It’s odd to be able to have such conflicting feelings dualing inside of me at once. The nervousness comes from my anxiety… the calm comes from my surrender… I have been trying to surrender my life and trust in whatever God has in store for my life… because I know now that even suffering has a purpose. The beauty of having been through so much the past 5 or so years is that while some days it wears me down to the point I feel like I can’t take it anymore… I know that I can and the I can’t anymore is momentary frustration.

I was able to drink my coffee this morning but so far I can’t eat. Well… maybe I can’t eat. As I start to feel hungry I wish I had stopped at Taco bell on my way home from dropping off my kids. Not at all what I need to be putting in my body… but for some reason or another that’s the kind of stuff I want when I’m feeling like this.

I think what’s hard is not being sure having an answer will even do for me. If nothings wrong then why am I in pain? If something is wrong…will this be for my whole life? What will that even look like.

It’s all a lot…and it’s been a lot. I am trying to put a plan into place… we will see.

3 hours to go.