Today I’m feeling it…all of this… too much of this.

This post may make no sense…just warning you up front. I’m having the kind of say where words and thoughts are swirling around in my head and if I don’t get them out I may go crazy. This is raw. I usually write down a draft and then post …. there is none of that going on tonight . Also it may be TMI. If you don’t want to read about things like periods and intimacy close this out now.

I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong but the pain is ahead of me..I usually try to do my best to be as positive as I can…. I cope very well…maybe too well. Maybe that’s why on the days I am not coping as well people look at me like I have two heads.

This pain in my hips and back has been relentless. Usually I can’t feel super high anxiety and super high pain at the same time…the silver lining of a flare… my brain is catching up and I can feel them both now.

I knew something was wrong the other day when my anxiety just came barreling in like an out of control train. My checked my tracker and my period wasn’t due for almost two weeks and figured maybe PMS was going to be mean this time. I think having a baby then having a miscarriage six months later was too much. My symptoms are cruel. The anxiety is crippling… I sweat thru my clothes like I went running and I’m just packing my kids lunch. Mornings are especially bad. My skin… ugh it’s terrible. Monday I did a double take when the toliet paper was pink but I was too busy to give it much thought. Then heavier Tuesday… Wednesday heavier again..maybe it isn’t spotting. Then boom Thursday morning and I may have ruined another pair of pants …and I was so tired overnight I couldn’t tell you how I ended up losing my pad….

My hips and back are killing me… I am afraid if I allow myself to give into the pain I’m going to be hysterical. Thinking about my five labors the one I refused to acknowledge the pain was the one I kept my composure… well until an unnecessary cath got put in but no need to go there.

Nothing is helping. Tylenol..motrin… nothing. I don’t want to take anything stronger because of my nursing baby…and I’m afraid I will become addicted. I won’t even take a sip of wine because if I found even momentary relief that may lead to problems. I’m not proud to say this… but I am proud enough to know better.

Sleep is becoming harder. I have been a side sleeper for as long as I can remember and I have had to learn to sleep on my back because sometimes my hips are too tender to lay on..Hopefully that helps my skin… I read sleeping on your back helps prevent wrinkles…. silver linings you know.

An interesting thing I starting to happen to me… certain blankets that I have used forever are starting to feel too heavy to be on my body and no matter how much I like them I cannot use them. Same with certain dresses. Lately the less clothing the better I feel… but as a mother of five kids I’m not sure that I should be wearing minimal clothing so I need to come up with a better solution. I wonder if compression clothing would help…under my dress of course.

TMI…. you’ve been warned for the second time.

Intimacy has become nearly impossible. It is so painful one of the last times I tried I litterally burst into tears when it was over. I can feel the tension rising in my marriage. I’m short and sipping lately. I don’t mean to be. In fact I try not to be most of the time. I am developing anxiety surrounding my behavior because I don’t want to be perceived as an unkind person.

I have been amping up the fun in my house for my kids… because maybe if they are doing crafts at the library or playing games at chuckie cheese or playing in the pool they won’t notice how miserable I am… sometimes it even gives me a break from realzing how miserable I am.

All I ever wanted was to be a mother…and now I fear I will miss out on what motherhood should be.

I didn’t do anything else I dreamed of. I wanted to garden…do projects…write… learn to do crafts. But because of my shortcomings I couldn’t keep up with what I needed to… so I told myself I didn’t deserve a garden if I had unfolded clothes and dishes left to do… so I didn’t. Now I have closed the doors on having children…so I know the time is coming I could do it… but will my physical ability be gone by then?

I had so many plans for my life…and this doesn’t match up with any of them.

My brain is very analytical. I see a problem and I want to solve it. Today I made a list to bring to PT next time to come up with a game plan on how much time I need to invest everyday to actually get better… I started writing out a time management list to figure out what I need to do ( cook , clean, take care of kids, recovery etc) how much time that will take… and what I want to do…. and how I can integrate the two…like instead of reading a physical book maybe listen to one while I clean… and if I need to do Aquatic therapy on my own time…can I make it family pool time while I walk back and forth in the pool playing with my kids…

I worry all my planning and problem solving can’t fully outsmart the situation.

I’m afraid.

I’m trying not to do the why me thing…. but seriously what the …..

I’m adjusting…and I think most days I do ok… but today…. today I am losing my grip.