The last few days my flare has calmed down a little bit .

I felt hopeful when I pumped gas for the minivan and I did it without switches hands. It hurt … but I was able to finish.

I have no idea how long the calm with last. I am not symptom free… but it’s not as intense.

I am afraid. In some ways the calm makes it harder to deal with the flares as they come back…because I miss the pain free ( or at least less painful moments) . However I am trying to learn to cherish the moments I have and make the most of them….without overdoing it and triggering problems.

I’m about due for my period… and while I have only been tracking since my miscarriage…. there seems to be an onset of pain when my period comes. So I have no idea how long the relief will last… but I’m trying to remain postive.

Last week I could barely write in my phone. Writing with paper was worse. I have several things I started to write last week but could not fully finish. I will probably just post them anyway….because it’s a real look into what it’s like dealing with this. Especially in the unknown phase…. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… sometimes I try to convince myself it’s all in my head in an attempt to snap out of it. Unfortunately no amount of badgering myself has helped.

My right arm is weaker than my left right now… but I’m assuming it’s because it’s my dominant arm and therefore gets less rest.

We are going to see lights at the zoo tonight. When I told my husband I’d like to go I held backs tears when I mentioned my fear that next year I’ll be in worse shape.

I have no idea if this is the beginning of recovery…. seeing a Dr getting answers and getting better… or if this is the beginning of the end of normal as I know it and learning to live life a new way. Last week as my pain was really elevated I had worries of my young children and if I’d be ok watching them grow up….I know right now I’m scared and all kinds of crazy things are going through my head… but it does make me feel very emotional having no idea what the future holds.

For now I’m trying to soak up these moments. Going to the zoo…playing on the floor with the baby and being able to focus only on him and not the pain . Brushing my daughters hair without my arm burning.

Today my arm hurts more… and I don’t know if I got 2 days of relief or if it’s a fluke. Either way I’m choosing to be thankful for those days… because they have been a good reminder of what’s on the other side of this… and what I’m fighting so hard for.