This morning the scale was going back and forth between 259 and 260 before it finally settled on 259.8.

I believe my guardian angel knew that if the scale hit 260 that I may have had a complete breakdown.

I want to say that I don’t know what happened… but I do.

I had surgery on March 6th that caused severe pain and limited my mobility for a bit. Then around St Patrick’s Day a flare started. It still has not gone away…today is April 10th.

This has been a really difficult month…and that’s framing it in the most positive way I can.

I am still doing most everything I need to do,  but the pain at times is enough to reduce me to tears. 

Another family member passed away unexpectedly . This was our second loss in a month. We traveled back to our home state. It was bittersweet and made me wonder about our….or what feels like mostly my choice to relocate.

This weekend was Easter weekend.  My husband’s side of the family has always done green bean casserole.  As I was preparing it the weakness I experienced was frightening.  I have been cooking for many years…since I was a teen. I turn 36 next month…. I’ll let you do the math on that. Stirring the mixture caused my entire arm to ache and I was unable to open the container of fried onions.

I don’t really have a plan. I was going to call my primary care, however I see her in 2 weeks so I’m unsure if I should just wait until then. I will be trying to reach the rheumatologist again. As my primary put it they are kind of like unicorns and hard to find. I have a slip for some lab work and I will plan to go tomorrow.  I also have some paperwork to send in to make an appointment with an osteopathic doctor.

I’m scared. I’m 35 almost 36… and I honestly don’t know what to do if the pain I’m in at this intensity persists. I am still nursing my baby… and since he is officially my last ( I said goodbye to my fallopian tubes March 6th) I would like to not cut this phase short unless I need to. He turns 1 next month . I typically nurse until 2 so that’s only 1 more year.

My little girl turns 4 in a week. I won’t be making any major changes thru her birthday since when I fall off I fall hard and I would like to enjoy her birthday cake with her. Between her birthday and mother’s day there are about a month. I decided to cut out sugar again aside from my coffee between her birthday and mother’s day. I won’t worry as much in between mother’s day and my little guys and my birthdays ( we were almost birthday buddies… 2 days apart… but it’s ok that he wanted his own day 殺).  Then I have another month in between our next back to back birthdays. So in the time between birthdays I will be cutting out sugar slowly. I already feel sick and going through a cold turkey withdrawal is just more than I think I can handle. Wheat and dairy will likely be next after my allergy testing. 

I heard keto and or carnivore diets can cure my symptoms… but since I was not doing it prior to pregnancy and nursing I have read very much things in the safety of starting it now.  Nursing season is almost over so I will practice patience. 

From all my reading…and I have done so much…inflammation is big problem.  I have some money I’ve been saving… I may purchase a food sensitivity test. I know there’s mixed reviews on them… but what can it hurt?

My stress level is certainly not helping things. I’m at a loss as to how to help that right now. I know my pain isn’t helping. I can feel myself turn into a different person during my flares…and this one has been particularly long.

There are lists of things to try…. and I’m torn between trying them one at a time so I know what brings relief…. or try everything at once without being able to call any one thing solution .  With diets you can elimate one thing at a time or eliminate most triggers and slowly put back. I’ll give this a little thought.  I’m not sure I feel well enough yet to try too many things at once… but maybe if I could push thru the discomfort I’d get to the other side .

I warned my husband last night that I’m about to become obsessed with fixing myself… because not doing it is taking so much away. I truly believe any time I spent fixing myself will pay back with interest.  Right now this is costing me far too much.