252.6

Is it too soon to use some explicit language yet?

Not feeling this today.

I woke up and could not get to the coffee pot fast enough.  Not because I needed the caffeine but because I wanted my hit of sugar. I looked down at my dwindling supply and wondered how I’m going to manage once it’s gone. I told myself I won’t buy more packets…and I won’t.  But if it’s too much too fast…. I may add a scoop of something to my coffee until I can get down to 0. I really really don’t want to set myself up for failure and I really need to work on this all.or nothing personality of mine.

I created some tension in my household on accident.  I am still struggling from the miscarriage and my mental health could be better…. I wanted to call it trash but I don’t want to continue to speak like that over my life.  It’s amazing how the stress of someone being upset with you can effect you.  I almost made a second cup of coffee because I wanted to soothe with some more chemical hits for my brain. I didn’t.  I’m proud of that. I did take a few more sips of the Pomegranate juice . I had PT and needed something.  I think I ate a cheesestick and a few bites of beef jerkey….. probably with sugar in it….I need to check the bag. It’s insane how many things have sugar that you wouldn’t assume unless you checked. Progress not perfection.

PT was hard. I’m FINALLY making some progress ( notice the frustration here?). I am so thankful for the compassion from my physical therapist.  I told her that I was thankful for the progress I’ve made but I wish I was closer to recovery. She told me that with everything I have going on including caring for others that I only have so much time to dedicate to myself. 

I left there so hungry.  I did not weigh myself again this time…. thought about it but didn’t do it.

Today honestly sucked.  It just wasn’t a good day overall. 

I went to my primary care doctors office today.  It was to go over my labs.  My vitamin b12 is low.  I need to try a supplement for it.  No big deal.  My blood sugar had gone over normal.  In the office she did an a1c. Unfortunately it came back 6.1…. pre-diabetes 😦 I am hoping … really really hoping…. that some of my pretty bad food choices played a role over the last few months. I was given the choice to start mediation but since I’m breastfeeding I would like to take some time. I also discussed antidepressants…. I found out later on looking at my chart notes that major depression was listed.  I said that I would like to hold off for now. Let things settle..try really really hard to do the things that can help then reevaluate.

I cried after my appointment.  Overwhelm just hit ….I guess fortunately I was going home to kids to take care of so the cry was very very brief. There are things I could do immediately…. but even if I wasn’t nursing I’m not sure taking medicine immediately would be my first choice any way.

I decided that today I was just going to have some coffee in the afternoon.  Plus it’s been my afternoon routine with my husband for some time now and while he was away it was easy to not to…home less easy. I didn’t think about how emotions can be attached to routines.  At first I decided I’d go sugar free….. but as usual the worry of breastfeeding kicked in and I got my decaf coffee just with sugar. 

I know lots of moms who breastfed and took meds or drank sugar free stuff…. I’m just way way too nervous about litterally everything.  I wish I wasn’t like this. I’m honestly trying.

The rest of the day was kind of a wash.  We grabbed pizza…I had some and some chicken wings ( thank you to my husband for running into Aldi for me). I wouldn’t call today a success… but I also won’t call it a failure. It was a try my best/ accept my failures kind of day….and that’s ok.