I was recently going through one of my boxes of belongings and I found one of my notebooks.

On the front of the composition notebook was the words Nicoles Health Book.

When I saw it it made me pause for a moment. I smiled . It wasn’t a happy or sad smile. It felt bittersweet to find it.

I opened the notebook to see it was started November 2020. That was a time of my life in which I felt hopeless. Covid was defining the upcoming Holiday season and my health was less than ideal.

I was in a dark and desperate place. I am a forever optimist and someone who has always pushed forward when facing possible defeat. My notebook was my attempt to make a plan and try to take back any feeling of control or power over the situation.

I had been really sick. I have had significant IBS for years with multiple triggers. I had struggled with it and gotten it under control many times, however was experiencing the worst and longest flare I had ever experienced. Every morning I would have intense pain in my abdomen. Some days bad enough to cause me to double over the sink while trying to get my children fed in the morning. I had reached a breaking point when I would need to get into the bathroom as fast as I could ten times before noon, and I felt so defeated when as an adult I couldn’t always get there in time because it would come in so fast and furious.

I got to the point that while I was a pretty calm person about these kinds of things I had been almost crying at my doctors office begging for help.i could barely eat, was always in the bathroom and gaining weight somehow.

I had tried elimation diets, pills, liquid diets. FOD MAP plans, low carb, intermittent fasting. … I had been treated for IBS and SIBO which is an overgrowth of bacteria.

I tried starving the SIBO and later on at the suggestion of another doctor tried to feed it then attack it…

I had a colonosopy in November of 2020 to rule out Crohns and UC. They found a lump where my appendix was.

I was terrified.

At the time I had four children….one being under two still.

I needed to have a scan done to see what it was. I took the very first appointment available, which was the day after Thanksgiving. Due to how far down the area they were scanning was I got to finish off my Thanksgiving meal with CT prep and start my next morning with CT prep.

I grew impatient waiting for my results and looked as at my patient portal. Big mistake. Something was found and it was unclear what it was. I nearly fell apart. I was fortunate that my doctor called me fairly quickly . I went to my surgeon who said I was going to need surgery.

In less than a month I went from you need a simple test to time for surgery.

I had part of my cecum removed as well as my appendix. I am thankful for the surgery as my appendix was misbehaving and starting to develop things that most likely would have eventually become a tumor.

That notebook brought me back to all those feelings. The uncertainty, the fear, but above all the hope and determination.

That notebook was as I like to call it a brain dump.

It was so of so many ideas. I compiled all the information I had gathered, even some conflicting information to short through and see what worked best for me.

Two years later I’m still trying to solve the puzzle . I truly believe you find what you need when you need it. I have been feeling discouraged lately as I am still dealing with some stuff. This notebook was a reminder to myself that regardless of what’s going on I have the determination that I will heal. While some days it feels like I have found myself right back at the beginning , I know that I have already tackled so much and will continue to do so.