This morning my alarm went off at 610am like it does every morning. As soon as it did I felt like I needed to give myself a little pep talk to get up and out of bed. Don’t worry I told myself, get the routine done and you can sit and relax.

Then I wondered….why do you need to sit and relax…. you literally just got out of bed.

Ouch, 5 minutes into my morning and I am already being critical of myself. It only got worse from there.

I pretty much have the same routine every morning for getting my oldest out the door for school. Get up, get him up, turn on coffee pot, let the dog out, start making coffee, breakfast, and pack up lunch. I can usually do it just fine, with little thought because my body can just do the routine without too much assistance from my brain that is still trying to fire up.

Today I stumbled. Apparently my body was too tired to remember what it was doing. As tired as my brain was it still managed to fire a what is wrong with you comment at me.

I finished my routine, sat my tired self down on the couch and thought about it. What was wrong with me? And then I figured out exactly what the problem was.

I am always on. I am always on duty. I can’t actually remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. The last time I woke up feeling rested. I am always on because I am Mom.

I have been a mother for 13 years. My oldest is 13 and my youngest is 10 months. With the exception of work I was only away from my oldest a few times before his siblings were born. For the last 6 years I have only been away from my children to be in the hospital with another child.

I have 3 kids 5 and under ( soon to be 6 and under) . My baby still wakes to eat in the night, my middle two wake up from weird dreams or sounds. Just last night my 5 year old woke me up because something scared her. By the time she was settled the baby started to wake up again. By the time she was settled the alarm was near.

I am always on. Driving here driving there. Worrying about details of my families lives that I am pretty sure I am the only one who ever thinks about. Vitamins, doctors appointments, activities, when did the baby last poop… you name it I’ve thought about it at some point in the past 24 hours.

I am exhausted both physically and mentally.

I am happy. I love my children. I am living the life I wanted. I wanted a big(ish) family. I wanted to be home with them. I wanted to be the giving wife and giving mother and giving friend. Giving is in my nature. But I’m tired.

I hear so often to take time for myself. I appreciate the thought but that isn’t easy in this season of life. I am that crazy mother who actually doesn’t want to be away from her children. I’m happier when I am with them. I also have crushing guilt when I am trying to relax about all the things I should be doing instead. Time and money are always on my mind.

I am the wife of a traveling salesman. I am the thankful wife of a hardworking traveling salesman. He works incredibly hard and is so talented. Sometimes he is here, sometimes he is gone. I try to live my life assuming I am a solo parent Monday through Friday. He is dedicated to his work so he is always on too. Sometimes it feels like we compete for the resource of time. We both need time to finish what the week wouldn’t allow, to rest. Our relationship is not a 50/50 split. We are both giving 100% at all times.

I have the privilege of having young children and a teenager, so I am under no illusion that it will get easier as they get older. I have lost as much sleep because of my teen as I have my baby. I also know how fast time will pass, so I don’t envy the mothers of older children. Yes their hair is washed and they can wear nice clothes without the fear of a blow out diaper or a marker, but I know behind their smile is another kind of tired. I also know they are probably wishing time would slow down too.

I am tired. I do not get vacations or sick time. I have not seen the latest movie or had an adult conversation that was not interrupted 20 times in recent memory. I am always on. But I am also happy, fulfilled with my purpose, and dreading the day that I am no longer needed 24/7.