Today was the day, the day I would test my willpower. Could I conquer chocolate cake? I suppose if this was my biggest challenge of the day life was ok right? I decided I needed a game plan, because I am weak to sugar.

Sugar and I go way way back. It’s been my best friend and worse enemy. I realized earlier this year I have a serious problem with sugar. I can’t even tell you how many times I tried and failed to quit it. I always tried to do it all at once, and finally I got smart enough to take baby steps to get rid of it. I actually was pretty good at avoiding most things, as long as I never brought it into my house. My morning coffee was the biggest challenge. I loved it with both flavored (sugar) creamer AND sugar… yuck right? I was trying to follow Trim Healthy Mamma and it is sugar free. I loved the recipes, loved the idea, couldn’t get over my morning coffee fix. So finally I started small. I still used my flavored creamer and a stevia packet. Eventually I grew to like it. Then the real challenge was flavored creamer. Finally I had the nerve to just stop buying it. I had a hard time with it. So much so I finally decided just to drink tea in the morning and let myself have a cup of iced coffee once a week after my weekly weigh in was over. This worked, until the temptation to have it grew stronger. So I had no coffee, and no stevia for about 9 days. I wanted to break myself. It was pretty awful at first, but it really helped. Now I like my coffee with half and half or light cream, stevia (probably too much but one thing at a time), and some flavored extracts. Pumpkin pie extract… totally amazing. Add a dash of that with some vanilla and a touch of butter.. you’d think you were drinking pumpkin pie.

I thought about my triggers…. yes I’m saying triggers. I’m an emotional eater, a sentimental eater, I’m bored eating, everyone else is eating eater…. basically I love to eat. I noticed I fall into patterns certain places. So I was thinking of where I was going and what my habits are. I always have a cup of coffee with my mom. I always look at the candy jar… I don’t keep candy at home so it’s extra exciting. I also always, always give into any time of “celebration treat” birthday cake, cupcakes, etc. I always felt like I’d be being rude if I said no, a party pooper. But I’ve finally decided that I need to come to terms with the fact that right now I have to say no. Eventually I will be able to say yes, and that little bit of celebration whatever will not send me into a downward spiral. My last cheat day turned into a week long event and then fighting off the cravings for a week plus. I just can’t saying no is self care.

So what did I do? Stay home from the birthday party? Nope I was prepared. We were having tacos so I brought stuff to make my low carb cheese shells that everyone loves. I brought a bag of frozen berries that when you let thaw just a bit and add a little whipped cream (yes sugar but very very little) is almost like ice cream. I also made a cup of coffee and put in my thermos. I could reheat it when the urge struck. I felt good, and as silly as this might sound, proud that for once I didn’t let my excuses and weakness get the best of me.

I made it threw the party. Knowing I had my tools with me I was able to not think about it. I also asked my husband to hold me accountable. He’s awesome. When time came for cake he walked up to me, reminded me I could say no, and that it never is as good as it looks… I disagree cake is always as good as it looks but I appreciate his support. He’s a good guy, he’s never made me feel any different heavier than when I was thin. But he supports my desire to kick the weight, and that makes such a difference.

The rest of the day was filled with just relaxing with my family at home. I am always tempted to be busy, but I’m learning to just enjoy the quiet sometimes. As I said before, I need to expand my view on self care. It isn’t just about doing, sometimes it’s what I’m not doing.