Dear self,

I’m so sorry for how I have treated you. You deserve better, so much better. I have known for some time that I have not been treating you kindly, and yet I never did anything about it. I try to teach my children to be loving, and kind, and to treat others with respect, all while being borderline abusive to you. I’m sorry. I tell friends to be kind to themselves, to show themselves some grace when things aren’t going well, and to remember to fill their own cup while you have been running on empty. I never noticed that you were running on empty for so long, I guess when you ignore the fuel light long enough it’s blinking light just blends into the background.

Deep down I truly admire you, but you would never know it by the way I treat you. You put others before yourself constantly, so determined that those around you will be happy and cared for that you often forget that you need the same love and care to. There are times that you remember, but stuff those feelings back down and tell yourself you’ll get to it, or this is just a season of life and you have to deal, or even worse feel guilty for craving a few minutes or quiet or missing daily showers. I see this happening, and do nothing to make it right. I should be reminding you to refill your cup. I should remind you that a little self care is not selfish, it is a necessity. How are you ever going to take care of those sweet babies of yours if you are not caring for yourself as well. They need you and all of you perceived selflessness is actually robbing them of the chance to have the best mother possible. See when you put yourself last you are robbing you of your own best self, and robbing your children from seeing that side of you. What kind of example are you setting for your children? Do you want them to remember how tired you always looked? Of course you don’t. I’m sorry for not pointing this out sooner.

And what about that husband of yours? That caring, hardworking husband of yours. The one who adores you and your children, the one who deserves a loving kind wife. You try your best, but he’s often pushed aside. Not intentionally, in fact you think that you are placing him before you. But what you are missing is the resentment that this causes. You hand him his dinner before you eat yours, let him sleep in on the weekends (that is until the toddler finds him) ,and try to make sure that he is well cared for. You often reject his offers to eat first, or say “oh nothing” when he asks what he can do to help. You think that you are loving and caring by making sure you meet his needs. But what happens when he makes the mistake of asking about the laundry, or making a comment jokingly about the living room being a mess? I see that look you are giving me right now, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been better to you. A good friend tells another friend when they are headed down the wrong path, all I’ve done is sit and watch. Why did I never point out that by “putting him first” in your mind you were acting doing him a disservice. He wants a happy, loving wife, not an exhausted wife who’s ready to point out everything that she’s done for him the minute he makes the mistake of not appreciating her enough. And not for nothing, wearing something besides junky clothes in the house might not be a bad idea once in awhile, just saying…

I promise to be better to you from this moment on. I heard something today and it has stuck with me, and I wanted to share it with you. It is part of the Trim Healthy Mamma creed.

“Without a healthy body, I am not as useful as I should be. My family depends on me, and my Creator expects me to fulfill His plan for my life”

I feel like I have been avoiding you. Whenever I see you I am not so sure that I recognize you at times. I don’t like to see what I have allowed you to become. You look tired, and could probably use a better outfit (sorry the truth hurts sometimes).  You care so much for your family , but don’t forget that as much care as they require at times, you require care as well.  Learn to love yourself again. Everyday is a chance to make little steps towards becoming your best self. I will support you this time, and this time I really mean it. I know I’ve made a lot of promises to you, and broken them most of the time. This time I will stand up with you and fight with you. Together we can manage it all, the kids, your husband, your house, and maybe just maybe a daily shower.

Love,

Me